Have you ever had one of those days where you’re like 98% sure this is the day it’s all over? You’ll be going about your business, wondering where that giant stain on your shirt came from, deciding this is as good as your hair is going to get and you just know, seemingly out of nowhere, that you’re about to get caught. Everyone in the room will simultaneously point to a door you didn’t realize was there and shake their heads in shame. You’ll notice there’s a sign on the door and as you stare at it, you feel the pit in your stomach. The sign says “FAKE ADULT ROOM” and it’ll all be crystal clear. The jig is up. Everyone finally figured it out. You have no idea what you’re doing. It’s a miracle you remembered to put pants on today. You’re not sure how someone decided it was a good idea to give you a job with actual responsibilities and you knew it was only a matter of time before it all came crumbling down around you. You could only pretend for so long. That’s a thing right? Other people have that feeling? I’m not alone…right guys? Right??? 

I had a day like that recently. It usually starts off small. Whoops! I didn’t do everything in the same order I always do them so I forgot some of the steps and I was half way to work before I realized I did not put deodorant on and even slowly walking anything more than 10 feet makes me a hot sweaty mess. For my next trick, I was getting myself and a co-worker coffee and I managed to spill not one, but both coffees on the counter while trying to put cream and sugar in them. A lovely elderly gentleman that works in the cafeteria watched me in amazement. How could someone make something as simple as getting coffee so awkward, his eyes seemed to say? I would then be lulled into a false sense of security by a seemingly smooth morning. Until I tried to say the words three business day turn around time and botched it so badly, one of my coworkers heard me and couldn’t stop laughing for a solid 60 seconds. The best part though, the highlight of this day, was when I tripped over nothing but my own two feet in front of approximately one million people in the parking lot on my way to my car. It was such a spectacle that two people asked me if I was okay.

Here’s a list of things I have been doing for many, many years and should be able to execute without trouble at this point in my life- get myself ready in the morning without adult supervision, pour and carry my own drinks without having a panic attack about how I’m making other people wait and I’m ruining everything, be able to say several words in a row without confusing myself and/or the person I’m speaking to, have a handle on how my body moves and be able to walk on flat, dry, asphalt. Here’s a list of things I nailed that day- embarrass myself.

So, the good news is that this was a couple of days ago and no one has confiscated my license or asked me to seriously consider Billy Madisoning it back to kindergarten so I can get a handle on life. The bad news is that I still consider ice cream an acceptable dinner food, I recently convinced myself there is a ghost in my backyard, I definitely think burping is an acceptable and hilarious form of comedy, and it’s only a matter of time before the people in charge realize I’m not even close to being a grown up. If I suddenly stop responding to texts/emails/phone calls, try checking the local elementary schools.