Oh wait, nope. It’s me. Yep. I’m for sure the one crying. Sorry about the mix-up. You seem totally fine. Probably because there really isn’t anything to cry about? I’m guessing? I, on the other hand, have found, like, at least four really dumb things to cry about today, if not more. So, here’s the thing about me. If I am tired, sick, really hungry, in a grocery store, or feel inappropriately dressed for an occasion, I am probably going to cry. But not about the thing that is actually making me feel teary-eyed and instead about a really dumb and non-cry-worthy part of that thing.
When I was in high school a bunch of my friends and I would have big sleepovers at our friend Chris’s house. There would be like 15 of us and we would do the most spectacularly innocent things like watch The Sandlot on repeat all night or play video games, or hide and seek, or take walks in the woods in the dark but always make sure everyone was safe and no one got lost, and we definitely never, ever slept. The morning after one of these sleepovers, our parents were picking us up to go an event for Operation Friendship (which sounds like a cult but was really an exchange program). I, being incredibly overtired and also upset that my mom brought me the wrong pants to wear to said event, walked out onto the deck with my friend Lindsey, stepped in a puddle, and BURST into tears. You see, my socks were wet and this was absolutely tragic. The worst possible thing that could have happened to me in that moment had happened and I could not handle it. I could not stop crying, because my socks were wet. This would be a sign of things to come in my life.
Today I was very tired and I didn’t really feel good. I didn’t sleep great last night and I woke up really early and couldn’t fall back to sleep and I was a mess all day. Not even a hot one. Just a regular ole mess of a mess. What I’m saying is, this was the perfect day for me to cry about some really dumb shit. And oooooh boy did I cry about some really dumb shit.
The Shirt
So, I have this white shirt that I really love despite the fact that I have never, ever, in my entire life, successfully owned any white article of clothing for more than thirty seconds without destroying it with food, coffee, make-up, blood (How? When did I even start bleeding? WHERE am I even bleeding??), a combination of any of those things, oh and one time sharpies, because I am a toddler. I decided I was going to wear this shirt today and just be verrrrrry careful. So, I manage to shower and only shampoo my hair once (I forget if I shampooed or not a lot, especially at 5:45am), and I’m feeling pretty cocky for a person who only got four hours of sleep, and I put my white shirt on. Oh man, I looked so cute! I turned to the side in the mirror and immediately spot it. What is it, you ask? I have no idea, but it’s redish and blotchy and down on the bottom near the hem. Now, as you might have already guessed, I have a lot of other shirts in various colors and styles that I have purchased over the years. The vast majority of them are currently clean! This is not a big deal! It certainly didn’t warrant anyone (me) weeping, sobbing, absolutely devastatingly ugly crying because I couldn’t wear it. It definitely shouldn’t have resulted in me sitting on my bed for five minutes shaking my fist at the universe, wondering why I can’t have nice things, but that is basically exactly what happened. Ultimately I decided it was the shirt that had betrayed me, not that I was messy, and I moved on to a green sweater.
The Person Being Nice to Me
For a person who is constantly worried if people think she’s likable, I get real weird when people are nice to me. My team got me a very cool travel mug and a day planner for Christmas last year and I burst into tears at my desk because I love travel mugs, day planners, and when people buy me gifts, but ALSO because how sweet is that? That is very sweet and thoughtful! I feel choked up just thinking about it (and also because I am very tired)! We won’t even talk about my birthday because it’s super hard to type and sob simultaneously. Today, someone I like a lot and whose opinion I value, was really nice to me and complimented me about something I am pretty self conscious about and ya know what I proceeded to do? Cry. A lot. In my car in public. The best part about it is that when I got in my car and started openly weeping, Spotify automatically started playing the last song I was listening to, which was Truth Hurts by Lizzo and the volume was waaaaaay up! Like, inappropriately loud. So just picture me, pulling out of my parking space at work, bumping Lizzo for all to hear, just losing it, like an absolute maniac. If you’re having trouble conjuring up the image, there are no less than 7 of my co-workers who could give you a pretty detailed description of this debacle.
The r/Humans Being Bros Sub-Reddit
Have you guys ever looked at this Sub-Reddit? You should, a lot, it will restore your faith in humanity for a second, but not if you are about to cry at any moment. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right, Reddit is mostly a cesspool, but not Humans Being Bros. It’s lovely. It’s all about people doing nice things. Today, I read about a little kid streaming Fortnite for 10 hours a day to help pay for his dad’s cancer treatment, a man shaking hands with a kitten, a drunk guy calling an Uber to get an injured baby bird to a wildlife rescue center (he didn’t even get in the car and go with the bird, he just gently placed it in the car and the driver took it to the rescue center), a bunch of high school kids giving a silent standing ovation to a student with sensory issues, and a guy visiting the mother of a woman whose heart he received in a transplant so she could hear her daughter’s heart beat one more time. I MEAN. Am I supposed to not cry at all of that stuff? I’m just supposed to scroll through and not sit on the kitchen floor mid-taking my shoes off and actually say out loud, to no one because I was home alone, “I love people sometimes!” Over and over and over? Oh, I wasn’t? That’s kind of intense? Oh. Whoops! My bad.
The Toilet Paper in the Backseat of my Car
On a scale of one to someone tuck me in a put me to bed, I’ve been functioning on the side of the scale you would associate with a drunk person who refuses to put her pajamas on and go to sleep. I know what I need to do, I have successfully put myself to bed many, many times, but I refuse and I would like to torture myself and anyone in my vicinity just a little while longer so I’m going to keep this train wreck going and there is nothing you can do to stop me. I picked up groceries last Friday and forgot the toilet paper in the backseat of my car. Repeatedly. It’s actually still there as we speak. Luckily, we have enough at the moment, but based on my reaction when I realized I forgot it again, you might think it was in China and I had to walk/swim to get there and also that I maybe accidentally murdered someone and the guilt is unbearable and I am such a failure of a human and why does anyone even like me?? Could I just walk back out to my car and get it at any time like a normal human would do? Yes! Did I instead go over all my greatest failures and most embarrassing moments and decide that I had let everyone down and I’m the worst adult in the history of adults? Yes to that one, too! Did I cry the whole damn time I went over my life’s most upsetting set-backs and fumbles? You know it! Will I continue to forget the toilet paper for eternity? Most likely! I Am I insane? Probably!
The time is now 9:05pm and I’ve decided that I’ve experienced enough emotional rollercoastering to last me until at least Friday, so I’m going to go eat Frosted Flakes and then get in my nice comfy bed by 9:30 and have a re-do on being a human tomorrow. Since starting this post, I’ve already had two close calls (did you know that Mary Poppins Returns is on Netflix now and just thinking about Ben Wishaw being a widow with three very cute kids and Lin-Manuel Miranda singing his heart out makes me do that bottom lip quivering almost cry thing and also that an armored car got into an accident and spilled hundreds of thousands of dollars everywhere and people just went and picked it up and brought it to the police station and basically all of it was returned and that makes me have to tilt my head up and blink really fast so I don’t cry again, some more) and I think it’s time I just stop for the day and become a gigantic heap of blankets and pillows and fall asleep. Goodnight.
Is That Weird? 