Top Three Reasons

Oh hey! It’s been a while. I’m back! I have some stuff to talk about. Specifically pregnancy. Are you my doctor or my husband? Oh you’re not? That’s cool, could you please do me a favor? You know that moment when you think about me and you realize that I am a woman, who is in her 30s, who is also married to a man and you have this deep, burning desire to ask me when I’m going to have a baby? I would love it, like more than anything in the whole world, more than chocolate ice cream, ghost stories, star wars paraphernalia, and my Maw-Maw combined if you would never ask a single human woman that question ever again, for the rest of your life. I know you mean well! I know you’re a nice person! I know that lots of times married straight ladies in their 30s have kids! I am aware of all of these things! What I’m saying, and hear me out here, is that you should please shut up. Just stop talking.

Here are the top 3 reasons why you should just shut that shit down and resist the urge to ask women about babies.

1- All women above the age of 30 without children are actually part of an alien race of lizard people. Our sole mission on earth is to end the human race. Seriously, they make teenage lizard people join the lizard military when we turn 18 to learn how to perfectly mimic earthen humans and infiltrate their schools, governments, churches, coffee shops, hospitals, you name it we’re there. They also train us in lethal lizard combat. Encouraging us to reproduce is actually encouraging the ultimate destruction of the human race. Why would you do that to your fellow man? Why would you want that? What kind of monster are you?

2- Maybe I (or some other woman like me) have tried,  more than once, more than 100 times to have a baby and it didn’t end up how I thought it would. Maybe I either can’t get pregnant or I have been pregnant and I lost my baby and every single time you ask me when I’m going to have a baby, I think about the time (or times!) that I thought I would be a mom. Maybe I remember the person I thought was going to grow inside of me and that I already loved instantly even though I never thought that could be possible. Maybe I remember the life I imagined as a mother, raising a child with my husband (who you should also stop asking about babies), and then I remember that I lost that in some way and I will never have that life. Maybe, every time you ask me about when I’m finally going to have a baby I think about how much I wish things were different and how hard it was to find out again and again that I actually wasn’t going to have a baby and maybe that is incredibly painful and maybe you mean well but maybe I have to go to the bathroom, or my car, or just around the corner where no one can see me and take a deep breath and remind myself that this is Stop and Shop or work or Target and it would be inappropriate to punch you for making me feel this way. Maybe.

3- Do you remember before how we established that you’re not my doctor or my husband? Cool, me too. This means that whatever is happening in my womb, or my brain, or my vagina, or bedroom, is none of your business. Like so far from anything you should be asking me about it’s actually kind of insane that those words just came out of your mouth. Do you want to talk about the weather? This awesome shirt I’m wearing that has a SUPER SWEET brachiosaurus on it? Why this guy in line behind me is so close I can feel him breathing into my hair? Famous serial killers? Really specific lyrics in songs that make you cry? Whether you should get a massage this weekend (you should)? If I’ve ever been to Europe?  Politics? Horrible teen romantic comedy movies? I am all yours. All day. Do you know what we cannot talk about? Whether or not my husband and I recently banged and I am now with child, or when we plan on banging so I can get knocked up. Just. Nope. Stop. Hey! Stop it. Right now. It is none of your business! Ever! If I did not walk up to you and say, “hey do you want to know if I’m pregnant or planning on getting pregnant soon?” then this should never come up in conversation. I am sure I like you or even love you very much and I am sure you are sincere about wanting me to be happy but honestly shut up.

In conclusion, I love you and I know you’re great but if you ask me one more time when I’m going to have a baby you may see me on the local news, standing in traffic, waiving my arms around, screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. So if you could please do me this one favor, I would really appreciate it.